seasons
This weekend, I gathered up all of my maternity clothes, all of our newborn “necessities” and all of the tiny outfits. I placed Consignment Sale price tags on each one. Small prices for such massive memories.
Everything in me is fighting against this season of change. Everything in me wants to go back to the day I met Rayne. Almost seven years ago now. She came into the world wide-eyed, ready to take it all in. In a sense, two people were born that day: a baby & a mother.
. . .
Last spring, as the snow started to melt and the daylight started to come back, I became equal parts excited about summer but anxious about winter coming again. At the end of each hike, the drive home from each camping trip, the hugs goodbye to each visitor, that thought was lurking in the back of my mind: winter is coming. I couldn’t enjoy summer fully, because I was so aware that every passing day meant the dark, cold days would be arriving soon. (Never have I been more aware of seasons than I have been here in Alaska!)
As fall came, we dove in quickly, hoping to catch some of the fleeting beauty before it was swallowed up by snow. I was more in awe of fall this year than I have ever been before. The colors seemed brighter. The air felt more crisp. The sunshine felt warmer in contrast to the cool air.
The transition seasons are so beautiful. When I set aside my anxiety and take them for what they are - their very own unique season - I am blown away. Sunsets are only in Alaska temporarily (in the summer the sun doesn’t set and in the winter the sun barely rises) - but when they’re here, they are incredible.
This will be our third winter in Alaska. And for the first time ever, I’m actually giving myself the freedom to feel excited about it. Sure it’ll be hard. It will be dark and it will be cold. But winter in Alaska is its own kind of magnificent. It holds some treasures like aurora lights & glittering snow & frozen ponds to ice skate over.
. . .
We’re moving into a new season with our kids, too. We’re moving further and further away from maternity pants & diapers & late night nursing sessions, and moving closer to school lunches & ballet recitals & book fairs.
And sometimes when I think about my kids growing up, it feels heavy. I get that same sense of impending anxiety that I get when I think about winter coming. I put that same pressure on myself to savor every second of this season because it’s fleeting.
But, just like the seasons, our kids aren’t binary. They aren’t just little OR big. They’re everything in between. They’re the sunsets in the transition seasons. They’re the deep colors of fall. They’re fun & hilarious & smart & creative.
And they aren’t the impending doom of winter. They’re going to be filled with treasures. They’re going to light up like the aurora & glitter like the snow.
In the words of Frederick, my favorite mouse-poet :
Aren’t we lucky the seasons are four?
Think of a year with one less… or one more!
Enjoy the season you are in. Find the beauty in it. Embrace the transition season coming next and don’t let it get swept away from you by fear of the season after it. Aren’t we lucky the seasons are four?
XO,
scroll quickly to see the seasons change
scroll slowly to see moments in time —
