it would have been enough
Nine months ago I was so very excited about Valentine's Day... this was when our Baby Bear was going to join our family. After we lost the baby, I have been dreading this week. Now that it's here, it just feels strange. It feels strange to be pregnant again and excited about welcoming our baby boy ("Baby Beluga") into our family in just a few months, but remembering our sweet little Baby Bear at the same time.
Rayne told me the other day that she can't wait to die, because Heaven sounds so fun. She's excited to see Baby Bear and Big Papa and Buddy and Trina's Steven and other sweet babies that our dear friends have lost this year. She told me she remembers being at Big Papa's "graduation" (a sweet mistake, when she couldn't remember the word "funeral" - but I think we'll go with it - it seems so fitting) and wondering how he was going to get out of the casket and get to Heaven. She said as soon as she goes to Heaven she's going to ask God to please turn our whole family into a mermaid family.
It sounds magical.
And we're celebrating our family and friends who are already spending their eternity as mermaids. And we're celebrating the day we can all be together again.
But more importantly, we're celebrating what we have here and now. We're celebrating each other. We're celebrating how much love we have and how much more love we get when we give that love away.
This is a bittersweet Valentine's Day but I'm so thankful. I have been obsessively contemplating a Hebrew word lately :: dayenu. It's from a song that is part of the Jewish holiday of Passover and the meaning of it has been hitting me hard - it might be the most beautiful word I know of right now.
Dayenu :: it would have been enough.
It's about being grateful for all of the beautiful gifts God bestows on us. When I think about my own life, the list is so long. Just looking at my sweet family, I can say it over and over ::
- Getting to marry the most amazing person I've ever known :: it would have been enough.
- Getting to be a Mama to my little best friend, Rayne Evie :: it would have been enough.
- Getting to be Mama again to Bradlee Pepin who adds so much sweetness and love to our family :: it would have been enough.
- Even the few short weeks I had with Baby Bear, I'm so thankful for it, and :: it would have been enough.
To be where I am today, with my amazing family and our Baby Beluga growing strong every day getting ready to join us, it feels overwhelming. To say thank you God, doesn't seem sufficient. So we say dayenu. It would have been enough, but His gifts continue to flow out.
Happy Valentine's Day, and I hope your day is filled with love and a deep thankfulness that can only be expressed by saying, "it would have been enough."